Ambitious, Apprehensive Procrastination (With a Quick Glance Around)

Hello everyone, and welcome back to my sad little corner of the internet that like 6.5 people care about. It's been a while! Let's catch up - I am now a sophomore in college, I'm thissss much closer to declaring a major, I still don't get enough sleep, and now I have AC in my room (thank GOD).

Now that that's out of the way, we can move on to discussing more pressing issues, such as all the things I'd like to be doing if I could just figure out how to organize my life well enough to do them.

I am this school year's features editor for a fashion/art/photography publication at my school called ROCKET, and I am, slowly but surely, figuring out just how to do that. My ultimate goal is to not only guide my fellow writers towards their best creations, but to also be a person they can look up to and rely on. Most of us are around the same age, but I'm their beta leader (we also have an EIC, so there's that leader to answer to, as well,) and I want to be a good one. I want to foster a little community between the six of us that allows for a constant flow of communication, ideas, creativity, and of course, friendship. On top of that, I also strive to be the most competent person I can be, so that I'm never left not knowing how to solve a problem. As you can imagine, no one of this is going to come easy, but I believe in ROCKET and the writers and our potential and I am willing to work to achieve these goals. I'm just not going to be able to sleep, ever, apparently. It's cool.

ALSO, before I forget to mention it! I got in an Instagram argument with the LITERAL Marc Jacobs last week! Okay, let me break it down briefly, (I intend to write more about it for ROCKET's website, so I can't get into too much detail but OMGGG).  Last week was the tail end of New York Fashion Week (NYFW). If I'm not mistaken, Marc Jacobs' show was one of the last ones, and it was expected to be big and innovative and awesome. And for many aspects of it, it was. The setting was futuristic and colorful and creative and some big names in the modeling industry walked for him, including Kendall Jenner and both Hadid sisters. But the one glaring problem with the whole show, that has since overshadowed any of the actual clothes that went down the runway, was that despite most of the models being white, or otherwise non-People of Color (POC,) they were all sporting pastel-colored dreadlocks. I saw this on one of the pictures on the Marc Jacobs company Instagram, and commented that while this show was otherwise impressive, it was disappointing to see non-POC wearing dreadlocks, and that if that was the aesthetic they were going for, they should have used actual models of color. THAT'S WHEN THINGS GOT CRAZY. Marc Jacobs HIMSELF, on his actual personal account, commented back and tagged me and one other girl, that it wasn't cultural appropriation, it was just appreciating people and love is all you need, and wouldn't cultural appropriation be when women of color straighten their hair? And other nonsense like that. I WAS STUNNED. Both because he commented back, and because he was SO INSANELY IGNORANT. I commented back trying to break down for him the (many) points he'd misunderstood. From there, SO MANY DIFFERENT NEWS SOURCES AND INDIVIDUALS saw this comment and found my original comment and started tagging me in things and videos and articles and it was NUTS. I shared screenshots of the comments on my Facebook page, and to date, it is the most interacted-with post I've ever shared. I never imagined it would end up like this, but I'm glad I wasn't the only one that noticed how strange and wrong Marc Jacobs was acting. I don't discredit him as a designer or hate him or anything (who's got actual time for that,) but I am really disappointed in him. If he could've acknowledged that he made a mistake, that all would be well, but his response was just so surprisingly childish, that it almost seemed like a joke.

But anyway, aside from being more culturally sensitive than a major fashion designer, my life has been pretty consistent. I did see the Lumineers in concert last Friday, which BLEW MY MIND, and then this week I discovered that stickers will actually stay on my laptop surface, going against what I previously thought. Pretty exciting stuff, I know. Now I just have to try to focus on maintaining that kind of excitement in little, everyday things, which is the ultimate goal, amiright?

The most magical night, the best performers

Seriously, though, I do have a lot of things I'd like to accomplish this year, and hopefully by writing them down, I'll be more motivated to get them done. One of these things is to participate in NaNoWriMo again after having not done it for 2 or 3 years. NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month, and basically you just commit to writing 50,000 words of an original novel during the entire month of November. I've attempted it twice, but I've never finished. This year, I want to change that. I used to love writing so much, and I still do. But I used to be better at churning out stories. They flew out of my brain like oxygen out of my lungs when I'm late for class and have to speed walk. But now, it's like my story well has pretty much dried up. I want it back, so I'm forcing myself to write more. I'm going to start prepping now by trying to write creatively at least once or twice a week, hopefully more. The thing with NaNoWriMo, also, is that it doesn't have to be a good novel, it just has to be a novel. So with that in mind, I think I might be ready to (finally) conquer it.

Additionally, I want to become a better musician, I want to learn how to spend and save money smarter, and I want to get in the habit of living my life in a healthier way - i.e. preparing for things further in advance, sleeping at more normal times, keeping in better touch with friends from home, and of course, eating on a more regular schedule instead of snacking on small things that aren't necessarily doing me any good.

I don't really know what the point of this post was, but I felt like I had a lot of thoughts floating around in my head, and I needed to organize them somehow. Kind of like I need to organize my life, but easier and less time-consuming. :P

To end this post, here's my current playlist, which is honestly my favorite thing to write about, so here you go. :)

Happy Birthday - The Beatles (today is my cousin's 1st birthday and he might be the cutest baby I've ever seen so I had to)
Cartoons and Forever Plans - Maria Taylor
Keep On Loving You - Cigarettes After Sex
Americana Dream - firekid
Hell No - Ingrid Michaelson
Cool Blue - The Japanese House
Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now - The Smiths (I stalked one of the new features writers' blogs and this was on one of her playlists and I knew she'd fit in with us right away at ROCKET)
Life Itself - Glass Animals
Season 2 Episode 3 - Glass Animals
Pork Soda - Glass Animals
June, After Dark - Elliot Root
Gemini Feed - Banks
Underdressed - VERITE
Give Me Something - Jarryd James
Babylon - David Gray (this song is SO GOOD, I don't even know what else to say about it, just listen it)
Cool Girl - Tove Lo
American Money - BORNS
Always Love - Nada Surf
Still Not a Player - Big Pun
LOST BOY - Troye Sivan
Laura - Hockey Dad
Flesh Without Blood - Grimes
Closer - Duck House

I'm a Free Woman (!!!)

Since I wrote last, I've finished my first year of college!!! Looking back, it was harder than I realized at the time because all I was focused on was getting through it as successfully as possible. But I did it! Not being one to toot my own horn that often, I must say that I'm pretty proud of myself for everything I did this year, not the least of which was making some really great friends. I miss them already... But like, I can do things like drive and sleep when I'm home... So I guess I'll just see them in August!

But anyway, my summer has already begun now that my academic year is over. Currently, I'm in the process of getting a job, as well as planning a few trips that are coming up very soon. It's fun while also being kind of stressful, which is kind of how I imagine adulthood to be. Also, upon my mom's not so subtle suggestion, it's apparently time to transition my bedroom from high school to college. Or, in other words, get rid of all my useless crap and make it look nice for once. Which I have mixed feelings about. On one hand, I love my useless crap, otherwise I wouldn't have kept it for the past few (many) years. On the other hand, I've watched A LOT of HGTV recently. I'm kind of ready for this.

Speaking of changes, I'm feeling very... open to change, I guess you could say. In addition to completely overhauling my entire bedroom, I'm feeling incredibly inspired to try lots of other new things. For example, I've traditionally avoided classic books, like 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, and Phantom of the Opera, and yet, I bought both of these two days ago. Also, my hair has gotten incredibly long (I'm talking touching-the-top-of-my-pants long) and I desperately want to chop it off, despite the fact that I've wanted hair this long my entire life and have never had a good experience with short hair. WHO EVEN AM I? Here's to hoping my entirely out-of-character impulses don't end badly!

I just wanted to write because I haven't in a while, and it felt kind of necessary. Hopefully this summer will be interesting enough that I'll have reason enough to write more. I will also hopefully break out of this literary rut in which all I write about are life updates instead of stuff that is of actual merit and is, I don't know, fun. But we'll see. :P

To leave you, here's a link to an Adele song that I am listening to right this very second that I love already. Seriously, it's awesome. Ugh, what can't this woman do?

Is Anyone Out There?

If you're reading this right now, I want to extend a virtual hug to you for sticking around even though I am the literal worst. The last time I wrote for this platform was in 2015, for New Year's. That's awful, if I say I have a blog, I should damn well write for it! So that's why I'm here today, because even though I have so much school and extracurricular work to do I'm actually dying a little bit more everyday, the guilt for neglecting Slow Lane was eating at me just a tad more.

So yeah, here we are.

I'm currently 3 weeks away from the official end of my first year of college. Which is CRAZZZYYY. It's insane how fast this year has gone by, and what I've managed to accomplish in the span of 9 months. I've joined a music sorority, become a staff writer for a campus art/fashion/photography magazine called ROCKET, and gotten involved with various miscellaneous things around campus that I never would've believed I could do a year ago. I've taken classes that have pushed me to intellectual, musical, and physical limits, which scared me at first, but now excites me when I can accomplish something I doubted I could in the beginning. Just as an example, one of my classes is Intro to Stage Lighting, which I stupidly thought would be easy. Instead of being easy, I've put in more labor hours than I've ever done in my entire life, and got over my intense fear of heights in the process. Even though it's the most intense class I'm taking, I've learned the most from it. Even if I'll never really admit it.

This year, I've also made some really great friends. The sisters in my music sorority, Nu Kappa Epsilon (NKE for short),  are astounding, wonderful, glorious people that I'm so lucky to know, and I couldn't be more grateful to them for creating a place and an organization that's allowed us all to feel comfortable being our 100% true selves. It was weird, at first, because I was new and didn't really know anyone, but slowly and surely I was able to connect with so many of the sisters. I have my "family" that I love, and people who aren't part of the fam that I also greatly appreciate for how welcoming and friendly and genuine they are. I'm so, so glad I found at least one little corner of my school to which I know I can always come back.

My fam, the greatest there ever was

The WHOLE NKE fam, <3 (less-than-three)

(Most of) my pledge class, fabulous as ever

In addition to NKE, my hallmates have been absolutely amazing. I live in one of the smallest freshmen dorms on campus, and as a result, nearly all of us have gotten to know each other pretty well. I didn't realize that was abnormal until I talked to people from other dorms who didn't even know the names of everyone on their floor, let alone their entire building. So I'm glad I've had this random, wonderful  bunch of weirdos to live with and get to know better. Every single one of them, even the ones I don't speak to as often, has contributed something pretty great to the dorm dynamic, and being a person who can appreciate a heartwarming communal atmosphere every once in a while, I couldn't have gotten luckier with my dorm arrangement. Next year is really going to be hard, not being around them as much. But I'm glad we had this year. <3

You know friends are good friends when they get burgers with you for your birthday when your birthday is during finals

Snowed in, watching Broad City, stealing my dill chips, it's casual

Fancy dinners for fancy people (*jokes*)

A complicated arrangement in which the loser of  a Yu-Gi-Oh battle would also lose a game of Assasins. Idek. 

But yeah, as the year winds down, the work sure as hell doesn't. I'm going on my fourth hell week in a row. That's a month of non-stop ridiculousness that I've only barely gotten through. Just this past weekend, I pulled an all-nighter from Sunday to Monday trying to finish a paper for one of my classes, and even though it was cool to be able to take a shower at 7 AM but not have to wake up for it, I hadn't been that tired since graduation season. Actually that might be a lie, it was probably earlier this school year, but I try to block painful memories. Anyway, I'm just excited for the summer. For me, it officially starts May 4th, and I don't have to be back at school until the end of August. Somehow I feel like I'm cheating the system, with a break that long. But I mean, don't look a gift horse in the mouth, amiright?

As for next year, I have a few plans up my sleeve. I intend to rush a social Greek sorority, which will be stressful but fun. I'll also be the Features Editor for ROCKET, which will also be stressful, but I'm going to try my hardest to make it worth it. I don't know if I'll become a big and take a little for NKE during the fall, but I definitely will by the springtime. (Don't hold me to that, though, I feel like I don't yet know what I'm getting myself into....) Also! I did a piece for ROCKET about people who do shows for the campus radio station, and it fascinated me. I'm very intrigued, and I kind of want to try it out, even if I'm limited to playing only songs my parents will know because they'll be my only 2 loyal listeners. I'm cool with that. I just want to get involved, but we'll see. My goals for next year are to do well academically, and get super involved with extracurricular activities, like I was in high school. I don't know how to not be busy, what can I say? ;P

Pathways from the Wren towards my ***bright*** future

I'd end this post here, but I feel like my legions of loyal readers will be disappointed if I don't arbitrarily state my favorite songs at the moment. So here's a ~*brief*~ list.

Carry You - Phillip Larue
Barcelona - George Ezra
Slow Dancing - Two Worlds
Elizabeth Taylor - Clare Maguire
(Girl We Got A) Good Thing - Weezer
All Downhill from Here - The Summer Set (their entire new album, Stories for Monday, is amazing btw)
When Did Your Heart Go Missing? - Rooney (an oldie but a goodie)
Chronic (The Knocks High in Harajuku Remix) - Phoebe Ryan (I quite literally cannot stop myself from dancing to this, it's such a good remix)
Tilted - Christine and the Queens
Where You Are - Hillsong Young & Free (Sometimes Christian Rock has deceptively good beats also I didn't know this was a Christian song until just now)
Loch Lomond - Peter Hollens (an a cappella group on campus sings this as a senior goodbye song and it's absolutely stunning)
Send Me on My Way - Rusted Root
Come and Get It - John Newman
Can't Sleep Love - Pentatonix
WHERE THE HELL ARE MY FRIENDS - LANY (they capitalized it like that, not me. But I agree)
The entire new 1975 album, which I will review in full at a later time, but oh my GOD it is so GOOD (link is one of my favorite songs from it)
Post-Breakup Sex - The Vaccines
Teenage Idol - The Vaccines
Virgins - Death from Above 1979 (Sam, if you're reading this, I only know this band bc of you, so thanks)
White is Red - Death from Above 1979
All My Friends - Snakehips, Tinashe, Chance the Rapper
River - Leon Bridges
Gold - Kiiara
The Rules for Lovers - Richard Walters
Leave a Trace - CHVRCHES
Lemon Eyes - Meg Myers
All I Wanna Say - Lontalius

I'll stop here, for real now. Although I haven't recommended songs in so long, I could honestly keep going and make this ridiculously long post even more ridiculous. But I digress.

The important thing is...
 I'M BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER*

 (*overstatement, but like, whatever)

New Year's Eve is For Sequin Sweatpants

Let me preface this by saying I've always kind of loathed New Year's. I never saw the sense in celebrating the end of something good in favor of welcoming something unknown. The older I get the more I realize the allure is more about an excuse to wear outrageous amounts of glitter and drink fizzy things from fancy cups.I hate sentimentality when it means change, because change is one of the things I hate the most. However, I think this year is an important enough year to reflect on, for a lot of reasons. I want to keep this a relatively short piece, though, given that we've all got things to do for New Year's Eve, and not a whole lot of time to dedicate to some dumb 19-year-old's blog. So, on with it then.

2015 was probably one of the weirdest years of my entire life. Don't get me wrong, I loved nearly all of it, but I've never experienced a year like this before, and I probably won't ever again. This year, I graduated high school, said goodbye to my best friend who went from across the street to across the country, left my academic responsibilities behind for a summer for the first time, and started a little thing called college. Not to be presumptuous or anything, but I always kind of knew stuff like this was going to happen in my life. I just never anticipated what it was actually going to be like. You know, in real life instead of in my imagination.

While I knew some parts of this year were going to be sad, like saying goodbye to my childhood friends and letting go of being at the top of the academic food chain that I had waited 12 long years to get to, I also knew that new and equally great things were to come. After a little bit of a rough adjustment, college started to become what I'd always hoped it would be - this independent oasis of a place where you could finally, finally decide what was important enough to dedicate all your time towards. It was amazing. Not to mention all the crazy antics and dumb stuff my new friends and I found time to get into. Senior year was by far my favorite academic year of my entire public school experience, but now that I've started college, I have high hopes for the future.

I don't think I'll ever like New Year's, or change, but I think I'm getting better at looking towards the positive side of things. I think the sweatpants I'm wearing that are entirely covered in sequins may have something to do with this change in attitude, but I'd like to think being 19 has made me a little less shallow than that. (But let's be real, sequins solve most of my problems.)

P.S. Happy New Year, you sparkly, fizzy weirdos. :) <3

The sequin pants in question 

Art in an Artless World

One of the great things about humanity is that we are constantly creating. For some people that means technological, scientific, and mathematical innovation. For other people, that means physical, musical, literary, and visual creation. I fall into the latter category.

My entire life, until pretty recently, I've wanted to shape my career around some kind of creative action. When I was younger I had many different things lined up, as most kids do. I wanted to be a chef, and an author, and a movie star, and very briefly, a princess. Aside from being royalty, all of those things would have required me to do something you can't learn from a textbook. You can learn to cook, but to be a chef worth her salt (excuse the pun, I couldn't resist,) you need to be able to make something original. Being an author or a notable actress require skills along those same lines. Making art in the real world is something I never questioned; I thought it was just another type of job I could have, like being a doctor or a businesswoman.

Getting older sucks, for a lot of reasons. The first and most awful one that I can think of is that becoming an adult usually means having to admit that you need to stop dreaming and start doing, and sometimes, that means giving up on some dreams. That is my biggest fear. I know what I would like to do, and I know what I should do, and they aren't the same. And so far, I haven't found a way to combine them. Maybe college will help me with that, but I don't see very many options as of yet. This isn't to say that creativity doesn't play a role in most careers, but for me, it's much easier to be qualitative than quantitative, so to speak. I can't stand math, and while I'm fascinated by science, I know myself enough to know that I wouldn't be good at it as a profession. So that leaves me with the humanities and fine arts. Both of which I much prefer anyway. If it wasn't obvious by now, I love to write. That's something that's never changed. So why can't I listen to that instinct and pursue it? For conventional reasons, of course - money.

All jobs require risk, requisites, and responsibility.  In this day and age, though, careers in the STEM field come with a certain kind of job security, because that is the category with the most demand. People look at musicians, writers, and visual artists with disdain and pity until they make it big, and only then is it socially appropriate to give them credit for their choice of profession.

My problem isn't that I want to do one thing but am being forced into doing another - it's that I see the value of both options, and can't pick. Part of me knows that I would make a good lawyer, and that's validated by the fact that nearly all of my friends and family tell me they can see me as a lawyer. No one tells me they can see me doing what I think I actually want to do, which is writing. They like my writing, and they compliment me, but when I bring up that I maybe want to be a writer or journalist, there isn't as much enthusiasm. It's understandable, albeit a little disheartening. No one thinks writing is a profitable career unless you're J.K. Rowling (who also wasn't given much credit until she hit it big, just saying). All I want is to wholeheartedly pursue what I actually want to do, but in order to do so, I need to figure out what that is.

Vincent Van Gogh, my favorite painter, once said "I long so much to make beautiful things. But beautiful things require effort and disappointment and perseverance." This couldn't be more true, coming from someone who can attest to a similar situation. I want a job not solely for the prospective profit - I want to spend my life doing something I can be proud of, knowing I put everything I have into making something important, that I also care about. I'm willing to work for it, but I'm terrified that nothing will come of it. I'm also scared of disappointing all the people who thought so highly of me and believed in my potential. But there comes a certain point in a person's life when you have to realize that you can't live your life for other people. You can value their opinions, and consider them carefully, but at the end of the day, your life is your own and you're the one that's going to look back on it one day and either be disappointed or not. That's been the hardest thing for me to grasp. Technically, I'm an adult now, and I need to start making these kinds of decisions. But at heart, I am a child, who wants to make childish decisions with reckless abandon. I just want to go back to when being a princess was a prospective career option, damn it!

Well, now that this post has become sufficiently long enough to become a chapter in my future memoir, I will leave you with one last quote, because why the hell not?

"If we, citizens, do not support our artists, then we sacrifice our imagination on the altar of crude reality and we end up believing in nothing and having worthless dreams." -Life of Pi by Yann Martel

Where would we be if Van Gogh decided to become a businessman? With a not so starry night, that's where.

Singing in the Shower

I'm in college now, so I no longer sing in the shower, as much as it pains me. However, I feel like I could out of sheer joy, because I'm recognizing that I'm making friends and getting acclimated to being away from home, and it's so great I could burst into song. Living in one of the smallest freshmen dorms on campus means that within 3 short weeks, we've all gotten to know each other at least relatively well, and that means that you never have to eat alone in the dining hall, or study by yourself, or be alone if you don't want to be. Today, the girls on my hall spent all afternoon going back and forth between each other's closets borrowing clothes, and shoes, and accessories. It just  made me feel like I was a part of something really cultivating, like we were becoming each other's unofficial sisters and it was a great feeling. I can't wait to spend more time with all of these girls and get to know everyone even better. This year is going to be great.

The other reason I mentioned singing in the shower is because I have SO MANY new songs stuck in my head and I just have to share them with you. Get pumped. :)


House of Gold - Twenty One Pilots [I am fully aware that this song isn't new, but I just learned how to play it on ukulele and I love it. Oh yeah, ukulele is a thing I do now. #college.]

Aquaman - Walk the Moon [the Discover playlist on Spotify that updates weekly is a Godsend. This song sounds like it's from the 80's or something but IT ISN'T and I just love the vibe.Very Wham! meets Sting.]

Dollhouse - Melanie Martinez [This song is like the lyrical version of the entire Pretty Little Liars series, but like, better, and not as frustrating.]

WILD (album) - Troye Sivan [Either you know of Troye, and you're excited about this, or you know Taylor Swift, and you can recognize that she was excited about this. Either way, get more excited because this whole entire album (actually it's an EP but whatever,) is FRICKIN PHENOMENAL. Go listen to it right this very minute. Also, this video for the song "WILD" is amazing.]

Sit Still, Look Pretty - Daya [This song is the ultimate anthem for girls who don't want to conform to gender norms and stereotypes, as well as wanting to be badass. Love.]

Nobody to Love - Alex Newell [The newest song to add to your Thursday-Night-Study-Break-Pre-Weekend-Dance-Party playlist. You're welcome.]

Beware the Dog - The Griswolds [I don't really know how to describe this song other than the fact that it repeatedly uses the line "She used to suck the fun out of me" without making any reference to a vampire, which gets it bonus points in my book.]

Mother & Father - Broods [I mentioned this song in my last post, but honestly guys, go check it out and then go call your parents, maybe spend a weekend at home. It just makes you feel all the things, and also want to spend more time with your family and I really, really, like it.]

Crayola Doesn't Make a Color for Your Eyes - Kristin Andreassen [A very acoustic sounding song, but I will bet you $3 that you will find yourself humming it to yourself within an hour of listening to it.]

Hard Out Here - Lily Allen ["Forget your balls and grow a pair of tits./ It's hard out here for a bitch." All you need to know about this song is contained within those two lines. Go forth and be feminist.] [Maybe don't watch this at work or in front of children or the elderly. Just saying.]

Octahate - Ryn Weaver [Ryn Weaver is a person I wish I knew in real life but at the same time I feel like she is way too cool for me. Just watch the music video for this song and you'll know what I mean. Her whole album, "The Fool" is probably one of my new favorites of the year.]

You Don't Love Me Like You Should - Hey Violet [This band opened for 5 Seconds of Summer, and you all know how much I love me some 5SOS, so of course I checked them out. But I didn't seriously start listening to them until recently, after I saw them and 5SOS live in concert about 2 weeks ago. I *love* girl rock bands, and even though one guitarist in this band is a guy, I still give it credit as a mostly-girl rock band.]

Jet Black Heart - 5 Seconds of Summer [I couldn't end this post without mentioning 5SOS at least three times. But aside from having to meet that quota, this song is really good. It's a little slow for my taste but it is so reminiscent of early All Time Low, I couldn't resist. I am so exceedingly excited for their new album "Sounds Good Feels Good," I cannot wait for October 23rd. Yes yes yes.]





ALSO: In the one in a billion chance you haven't seen it yet, here is the music video for Taylor Swift's "Wildest Dreams," which may or may not whitewash the plains of Africa, but also may or may not have done that on purpose in order to emulate the 40's film era. Decide for yourself. But other than that, the video kills me every time. I'm also 99.99% sure it features Cecil the Lion, which means I'm officially in love with this video.

Craziness in Multitudes

Do you know what one of the craziest things ever is? The fact that you can know someone for only 2 weeks, and feel as if you've known them forever. That is currently what I am experiencing here at college. I live in the smallest dorm on campus, the entire building holding less than 60 people. That means that I know at least half of those people better than I would've in any other instance in my life. I have friends that I've only known existed since August 21st. That's insane to me, the more I think about it.

You know what else is weird? I know how to do laundry now. And decide when I eat my meals. And get myself to and from where I need to be all on my own time. I became a quasi-adult without even realizing it. I kind of like it but I also kind of wish my parents were still around to do the adult-ing for me. It exhausts me if I think about it too much, and I haven't even been doing it that long.

I feel like college isn't so much a process you get used to but an experience that you jump into headfirst, in which you do what you're supposed to do as you are simultaneously learning what it is that you're supposed to be doing. Sometimes it's lonely, and sometimes it's hectic, and sometimes it's overwhelming. Sometimes all I want is to go home and sit between my parents and never leave. But at the same time, I'm surrounded by strangers that are all desperately trying to be friends with each other and it works, weirdly enough. My dorm room feels comfortable already (despite the lack of A.C. and that it's hot as balls outside), my hallmates feel familiar, and my classes have become routine. I never thought I was capable of getting used to something so totally different than anything I've ever done before, but from what I'm learning, college is a place where you learn you're capable of way more than you could've ever imagined.

Here's a song that pretty accurately sums up how I feel when I get a little too anxious about the fact that I'm part of the "real world" now. 

I'm Not in Kansas Anymore

The title of this blog post is misguiding. I've never even been to Kansas. But you get the point. I'm currently writing this post from my college dorm bed, which I am sleeping in for the first time tonight. I'm a little freaked out by all of this new stuff all at one time, you know, over-stimulation and everything. I miss my parents a whole frickin lot, and I miss my room at home more than anything, (especially A.C., good GOD). But also, I am really freaking excited. This is the new chapter that I've been waiting for all my life. I can't wait until everything doesn't feel so new, and I can really begin having fun. I'll keep you posted, though, on whether or not I die from this lack of conditioned air. Other than that, I'm super pumped for college. Here we GOOO (read in the voice of Peter Pan). (Please excuse this utter shit of an article, I am running on bare fumes right now).

I Forgot How to Tie My Loose Ends

I don't know who reads this blog. Honestly, I think my family forgot I still had it, and I don't think my friends even know. I don't expect people to care who I am or what I write or what happens in my life, I just write about it because it helps me to think about it all in a way that helps me understand. Sometimes, I write about specific people, knowing they'll never read what I'm saying about (or to) them. Like now.

I want this to be an open letter to all the people I'm leaving behind in less than two weeks as I move to college. All the people I sort of knew, but didn't know as well as I would've liked, you are all very special people and you've impacted me in countless ways. To the girl I wanted to hate but couldn't because she was just so sweet, I hope you go far in life and I can't wait to root for you. To the boy in my 9th grade gym class that got bullied by the self-righteous douche-bags, you are ten times the man they will ever be and never stop being absurdly yourself, because you're awesome. To my guitar teacher, and my homeroom teacher, and my 11th grade English teacher, and my physics teacher, you all believed in my abilities even when I sometimes couldn't live up to your expectations, and I will always be grateful for that. To the boys I thought I was in love with, I wasn't. I know that now. But all 3 of you are still very important to me, and even though I know you never really thought of me that way, you will hold a place in my heart forever (even if that part is very small in order to make room for someone more important).

To all of my friends going to different colleges in different cities and different states, if I don't see you for a while, I hope you are doing well, and I hope you're getting everything out of life that you deserve, because you are all exceptional people, and I love you with my whole heart. Expect a HUGE hug the next time I see you.

And finally, to my family. I will miss you indefinitely, but the great thing about family is that they're always there. I can see you whenever I want, and I am so grateful for that. I hope you all continue to grow while I'm gone, and I hope I make you proud.

Courtesy of girlpansy on Tumblr

I Guess I Suck But What Else is New?

I haven't written since the day before Valentine's Day. Which was a LONG ASS TIME AGO. So I'm back. And here to tell you about my life in all it's mediocre glory. I'm a nearly-creepy teenage version of a suburbanite blogger mom. Oh well.

Alright, so. I'm officially a high school graduate, so that's cool. I graduated a month ago yesterday, and it was such a surreal process, I don't even fully remember all of it. I remember getting up really early to straighten my hair and do my makeup really nicely in a last-ditch effort to impress peers I'll probably never see again (if I'm lucky). Then my best friend/neighbor came over and we took a few pictures before driving off to get our other friend who lives across the divided highway in our town. We all then drove to school and took a shuttle bus from the elementary school where we students had to park to the high school, where our ceremony was to be held in the gymnasium because of the threat of rain that day, (it never ended up raining but thank God we were indoors because we all got outside after the ceremony and it was effing HOT). We all had to go to the lower level of the school and line up alphabetically up and down the hallways, and we seemed to wait like that forever. After a decade and a half of anxious chatter and cap adjustments, we finally got to process into the gym. From there, we found our seats and proceeded to sit through 3 hours of redundant speeches. Our principal that no one really likes apparently gave the same speech she gave the previous year, and the valedictorian's speech made me want to vomit a little bit because of how subtly condescending it was. And don't even get me started on the guest speaker, who fully admitted to have never done something like that in his life and blatantly didn't even attempt to write a speech. But anyway. I digress. Somewhere between getting our diplomas and tossing our caps, someone started tossing blow-up beach balls and an inflatable flamingo, and everyone loved it except the administrators but there was nothing they could do at that point. After that settled down, we all stood up, moved our tassels from right to left, and tossed our caps haphazardly into the air, which the administrators also didn't like but again, could do nothing about. Which was probably the best part about graduation, the realization that as soon as we got our diplomas, we were free of the public education system. We had no one left to dictate to us exactly what to learn and what to do and how to be. It was so weird, but also long overdue.

That night after graduation, the PTO sponsored an All-Night Grad Party at the local recreation center, and it was actually so much fun. We had access to the indoor pool, there was catering from literally every popular restaurant in our area, karaoke, gambling for raffle tickets, game show simulations, nail/hair/massage salon, candy bar, photo booth, volley ball, basketball, mini car racing, a magic show, huge and expensive raffle prizes, and this thing that's a cross between surfing and a mechanical bull. You had to be there... It was such a great way to spend the hours between 11 PM and 4:30 AM after graduation. I'm really grateful that the parents involved at our school pay more attention to us than our admin. It was also a really fun way to spend time with my peers before everyone splits up for good. Thanks to social media, I'll be able to keep up with people, but it definitely won't be the same. In some ways that's a good thing, but in other ways it's not because I am definitely going to miss people. Especially after I took the time to realize a good chunk of my friends are going to college out of state..

Speaking of college, I know where I'm going! I guess I'll let you in on the secret - I'm going to the College of William and Mary, and I absolutely cannot wait. I've been talking back and forth with my roommate, whom I have not met yet but she seems really cool and she's also from Egypt so that's cool. I've already planned out which classes I want to take and which clubs I want to sign up for and I'm just so excited to get started. I went to a New Students/Parents reception today at an alumni's house, and it was really informative because some current students were there and they answered all of our questions and were super nice and friendly. They also had W&M themed sugar cookies, and that always leads to good things. I'm about a month away from move-in day and orientation, and even though I'm a little nervous about leaving home, I am SO INCREDIBLY PUMPED to get started with the College Experience.

Hopefully I'm not so incompetent that I actually remember to chronicle it here.

My friends from homeroom shortly before the ceremony

It's Not a Rejection, but Let's Be Real

Without any kind of preface, I'm just going to come right out and say that I have been deferred from 2 out of 3 colleges that I applied to Early Action. I was accepted into the third school, which is great because not only did I get in, I got into the Honors Program, as well as receiving a research grant and scholarship money. WHICH IS NOTHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT. I know this. But it wasn't my first choice school. I was deferred from my first choice, and I happened to find out about that deferral on the afternoon of my 18th birthday party, which kind of sucked. And then, this past Friday, the last day of my first semester of my final year of high school, I got the news that I'd been deferred from yet another school. To make matters just a little worse, I watched my social media feeds fill up with updates about how literally everyone else seemed to have gotten in.

Most of the time, I think my life would make a pretty funny sitcom, because usually things are happy-go-lucky and hilarious. But this moment would fit right in with all the other awkwardly tough moments every good sitcom has once in a while to keep things interesting. Honestly, the worst part was that I'd convinced myself that I was a shoo-in to get in. I wasn't, apparently. And I'm not going to lie and say it didn't affect me, because it totally did. I cried for hours, although not immediately after finding out. When I first found out, I was irrationally angry. Then, later on when I had to explain to my parents that I didn't officially get in to yet another school, I started to get emotional. I cried in my mom's arms like a child, because it felt like a SUPER HUGE jab to my self-esteem and self-worth. That night was a definite low for me, because I couldn't stop myself from feeling like I wasn't good enough, or smart enough, or talented in any way.

Thankfully, with the help of my super supportive parents and friends who are the best at giving pep talks, and a much needed night of sleep, I woke up the next day not nearly as torn apart about everything. I still masochistically checked  my social media, but throughout the day it got easier and easier to get over myself and think more positively. I keep having to remind myself that a deferral is NOT a rejection, although it isn't easy. But, when I got my first letter of deferral, my friend wisely told me something that I'd like to pass on to you - deferral isn't rejection, it's redirection. It's taken me until now to fully remember that quote, which I think is a sign that now, as I'm hashing out all the details for the world to see, I may finally be realizing that things aren't as bad as they seem. It may feel like nothing in my life is going exactly as planned, but as many seniors keep repeating to themselves, I'm going to be fine. I'm going to end up wherever I'm supposed to be, and everything is going to be okay. Everything is going to just fine. (Eventually.)

Things That Are Keeping Me Busy

Between my last post and this one, a lot has been going on in my life. Ramadan just ended last week, (yes, I am an American Muslim teenager - one who wears shorts and shows her hair, but whatever), I started working for my dad again, and the Common App opened on Friday. The Common App, for all you non-American students out there, is a general college application that you can send to multiple universities at once. The one for the 2014-2015 school year opened on Friday, a fact I was unaware of in June, when I made an account to get a head start on my essays and such. That application was for the 2013-2014 school year, and was deleted at the end of July, much to my dismay. The fortunate side of all this was that the essays remained the same, and I ended up being able to fill out my entire Common Application in one sitting because I'd already written my essay. So that was good. :)

A Snapchat I put on my Snap Story documenting my inner turmoil over college apps

Aside from college applications and general school stress, I've also been very preoccupied with music lately. I just recently discovered the beauty that is Spotify, and it is literally my new obsession, (I know, SO late jumping on that bandwagon, but better late than never, right?) I'm listening to it as I write this, in fact, and I can't even believe I liked Pandora more than this at one point in my life. I still like Pandora because it's a simpler radio format, but sometimes I just want to listen to the same song over and over without having to buy it, which is where Spotify comes in and saves my life. Because of Spotify, I think I want to make more posts on this blog recommending music. I tweet all the time about songs I'm currently loving, but they hardly get any response (as far as I know), so I'm just going to blog instead. I'll include a list of the songs on my most-listened-to playlist at the end of this post. Honestly, music and makeup are some of my favorite things to blog about, so I might end up writing more about it. Books, too. Anyway, I'm getting off topic. Spotify is amazing and you should make an account RIGHTNOW if you haven't already. :) Moving on.

A screenshot of Spotify playing on my computer. If only it showed the number of times I played each song...

Yet another thing keeping me busy lately is makeup (as mentioned before, I love talking about it). I've recently come to the conclusion that I adore dark, vampy lipstick, and statement colors, even in the summer. I've bought 3 lip shades in the last 2 weeks that satisfy my longing for gothic/almost-ridiculously-colored makeup, and I am loving them. The first one was a Rimmel London: Kate Moss shade in 124 Bordeaux. It's creamy and smooth and it makes my teeth look so white because it's such a dark, red wine color that's almost purple. The second product was the Revlon Colorstay Moisture Stain in 005 Parisian Passion. It's similar in color to Bordeaux, but it's a lip gloss-meets-lip stain. It goes on pretty pigmented but when it dries it looks like more of a berry color. It's really pretty on, though, despite it not remaining pigmented, and it isn't sticky like some products I've tried. The third product was actually a very recent purchase (two days ago), and it's a Revlon Super Lustrous Lipstick in 440 Cherries in The Snow. It's a creme consistency, which I've found I like more than matte textures, and it's hyper-pigmented. I normally shy away from red lipsticks just because most of them have orange or pink-y undertones, which don't look good with my skin color and make my teeth look really dull or yellow. BUT THIS ISN'T ANY NORMAL RED LIPSTICK. This is the most beautiful red lipstick I've ever seen, and I can say that with conviction, (mostly because I haven't really seen that many red lipsticks, but still). This lipstick is bright red, with bluer undertones that, again, make my teeth look whiter (which I clearly look for when shopping for lip products), and when I opened the tube for the first time, I didn't want to try it on like I normally do with products I've just bought, because it looked so pristine and perfect and unreal. So naturally, I went home and took copious amounts of pictures of a single tube of lipstick before trying it on. Then I put the pictures on Tumblr because I couldn't NOT share this latest discovery. This upcoming school year is my last year of high school, and I made a pact with myself to be more adventurous with my style, (which is saying something because I already dress "weird" as my sister so kindly puts it). This includes more lipstick, because I LOVE THE STUFF AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT.

My super edited pic of the best red lipstick ever

One last thing I just have to talk about before I go. Okay, two things, but it's brief. Recently I started watching Teen Wolf (yet another thing I'm late to the game for), but OH MY GOD I love that show. My best friend and I have this thing where we'll pick a show and watch all the episodes together, and in the past it's been shows like The Lying Game (which sadly got cancelled halfway through the second season), and Kyle XY (which we never finished). But now it's Teen Wolf and we're both obsessed. The second thing is that I tried out one of those Sally Hansen nail design tool kits, and yet again, OH MY GOD those things are genius. I love nail art but never had the necessary tools to be able to do cool designs. Now, however, I can do allllllll the cool designs and I loovvvveeee it. :):) (I PROMISE I'm not sponsored by any company I mention, even though it totally seems like I am.) (Maybe one day I will be but not today.) :)

My caption for this picture on instagram was "Kinda proud these don't totally suck." Still applies. :)

Anyway, as promised, here's the playlist. I won't bore you with super long descriptions of why I adore these songs, because eventually all the descriptions end up being the same, so yeah, here they are, with short comments - as short as I can physically make them. ;)  ADORE THESE WITH ME, PLEASE!!!

• 5 Seconds of Summer's new album (AMAZING, I LOVE IT COMPLETELY AND WITH NO EXCEPTIONS).
• Ed Sheeran's new album X (THE ENTIRE THING IS A POETIC MASTERPIECE and it's a beautiful sophomore album and his newer sound is even better than his old one)
• Falling in Love At A Coffee Shop by Landon Pigg (cutest song to ever be put on an AT&T commercial) (Alternate music video)
• Salute by Little Mix (don't judge, it's kick-ass)
• Teenage Dirtbag by Wheatus (covered by many, perfected by one)
• Fast Car by Tracy Chapman (sorta depressing 80's song, still awesome anyway, and probably one of my favorite songs because I could listen to it on repeat for hours and not get bored.)
• Year 3000 by Busted (WAY better than the Jonas Brothers' cover, bc it's the original)(except, not gonna lie, Joe Jonas circa 2006 was pretty attractive)
• Easy Love by R5 (so so so catchy)
• I'm Ready by AJR (Spongebob intro. 'Nough said)
• In Your Atmosphere - Live at the Nokia Theatre by John Mayer (his songs are beautiful and he is so good live and this song is so amazingly performed)
• Chasing the Sun by Hilary Duff (not the most amazing song but HILARY DUFF HAS NEW MUSIC SO I LOVE IT ANYWAY BC IT SOUNDS LIKE 2003 AND I LOVE IT)
• That Girl by All Time Low (I've loved this song for years now and Spotify lets me listen to it ALLLL THE TIME) (I swear I'm not sponsored by Spotify. If I was more people would read this blog).
• Happy Little Pill by Troye Sivan (I keep singing the Gucci part in my head and I don't even know if he's saying Gucci...)
• Girls Just Wanna Have Fun by STRFKR (even better than Cyndi Lauper, which is hard to do)
• She Ain't You by New Hollow (literally the only song released on iTunes by this band for YEARS but I love it, it sounds so much like a 90's meets late 80's rock/pop song) (Another song I could listen to on repeat forever)
• All About That Bass by Meghan Trainor (I had to.) (Emblem3 did a really cool cover of this song, too). 
• Maybe You're Right by Miley Cyrus (such a surprisingly good song)
• Love On Top by Beyonce (the music video for this song makes the song even better)
• Orbiting by The Weepies (BEAUTIFUL SONG)
• Femme Fatale by Nico & The Velvet Underground (weird at first but after you listen to it about 20 times you find yourself singing it to yourself so you like it by default)
• Who's That Chick? (feat. Rihanna) by David Guetta (a DJ remix song I actually really like) (don't watch the video in the dark, it's like strobe lights in technicolor) 
• Somebody to You (feat. Demi Lovato) by The Vamps (love the intro, Demi's part, and the chorus more than the rest of the song, but I still like the song a lot) (Never mind, just watched the video again, and I like the whole song equally. Which is a lot.) :)
• Twist and Shout (Cover) by The Vamps (Saw this for the first time, and it just made me happy bc even though they've released an album they're still doing covers, which is what they're known for and I find that cool) (The cover is also pretty good) ;) 

Save Your Youth For Later : High School Junior Edition

As (high school) midterms loom closer and closer, more and more of my peers are starting to lose it. Not in the literal, mental-breakdown kind of way, but in the "I have so much anxiety I might just explode" kind of way. As juniors, we have to make sure everything we do is impressive, if we ever hope to get into our dream colleges.It's a tough act to handle, because on top of juggling actual school work (which, admittedly, gets pretty overwhelming sometimes,) we also have to maintain leadership positions, actively volunteer within our community, and participate in at least one sport or club, if not more, (and in most cases, mine included, it's definitely more). Midterms are stressful because they factor in to your semester grades, and if you bomb them, you're in trouble. At such a young age we are expected to make sure our futures are solidified by excelling at everything, and as worth it as it is to get into college and finally begin the journey to the career of our choice, it's actually kind of sad to think of all the experiences we're missing out on while we're focusing so hard on making our resumes competitive. How many of us actually enjoy ALL of the extracurricular activities we participate in? Nearly everyone I know is a member of at least one club or is doing a particular sport solely based on how good it will look on college applications. That's more time given that we don't necessarily have, committed to something we aren't even passionate about.  The closer and closer I get to college, the more I almost resent it, because the idea of college has dictated my entire life ever since I was about 11 years old. That's 6 whole years and counting of my childhood, spent stressing out about college. There has to be a rule against that, somewhere, hopefully.  My parents observe the mental state of me and my peers and the exhaustion and anxiety we put ourselves through, and wonder what changed between their generation and ours, because they were never like this. I can only imagine what my children will be forced to endure in order to succeed. It's a scary thought, that's for sure.

**I am the original author of this post, but it will also be posted on Huffington Post Teen. 

Life - The Good, Bad, and Ugly Parts

Do you know what is simultaneously confusing and stressful? Life. As blunt as that is, it's true, and relevant. As a high school student, and an upperclassman, it's about time for me to start thinking seriously about what I want to do with the rest of my life, which in turn will lead me to deciding which college I want to go to. This is the conundrum of my generation, I'm telling you. Not only is it nearly impossible to narrow down what I actually like to do, it's downright  unfair to ask me to decide how to make that into a career. It also doesn't help that I live in an area where people don't prioritize happiness, because they're too focused on competing with each other for who has the better house, the better car, more money, the more high-end job, etc. When I was younger, I wanted to be chef. Then I realized I don't have the patience to even make toast, so that was out of the question. Then I wanted to be an author, until I came to the painful realization that unless you're J.K. Rowling or J.R.R. Tolkien, writing books isn't a very plentiful career choice. (That's another thing that bugs me - why can't I do the things that I love despite the fact that I won't make a terrible amount of money?) Anyway, after I nixed two career choices that actually made me happy, I started to think realistically. I did a little self-evaluation, and realized that I'm good at arguing, I'm a pretty good problem-solver, and I really want to help people. So, naturally, I decided I wanted to be a lawyer. Not only did it fit my personality almost perfectly, it would make good money, and eventually, lawyers become politicians who become president, which is always fun. But after about a year or two of being dead-set on becoming a lawyer, I thought about the amount of hours and never-ending work that went into becoming and working as a lawyer, and I was terrified of it all. And now, recently, I decided that film-making was my passion, and that was what I was going to do. I've been researching majors and schools that offer film studies and communications programs, and I joined the film club at my school for the sole purpose of exposing myself to the craft outside of making slideshows on my computer. But lo and behold, I've changed my mind again, today. I was laying on my bed and thinking about how my mother has told me before that I'm usually good at all the things I try, but if it doesn't come easy to me, I don't do it. Basically, I'm afraid of working hard for something, because I'm not used to having to do so. This isn't to brag or anything, but it's true, things usually come easy for me. It's also true that I don't usually have to try hard at much of anything. This is a problem. If I'm passionate about something, I need to work for it. Sometimes, it's going to be easy, and I'll welcome the ease. But I can't shy away from or quit things that are hard. So I've decided that maybe becoming a lawyer isn't so bad. It's literally the perfect career choice for me, and I can always minor in film studies. Then, once I've saved up enough money, I can take a hiatus from law and maybe make a movie or two. I can't do the things I want before doing the things I have to do, because life doesn't work that way. Even when I decided I wanted to be a filmmaker, I never totally gave up on the idea of becoming a lawyer, which goes to show that it's still a passion of mine. I think right now, I'm on an adolescent path of self-discovery, and it's okay to change my mind a million times. But at the same time, this is my future I'm debating, and I need to start getting serious.