It's Not a Rejection, but Let's Be Real

Without any kind of preface, I'm just going to come right out and say that I have been deferred from 2 out of 3 colleges that I applied to Early Action. I was accepted into the third school, which is great because not only did I get in, I got into the Honors Program, as well as receiving a research grant and scholarship money. WHICH IS NOTHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT. I know this. But it wasn't my first choice school. I was deferred from my first choice, and I happened to find out about that deferral on the afternoon of my 18th birthday party, which kind of sucked. And then, this past Friday, the last day of my first semester of my final year of high school, I got the news that I'd been deferred from yet another school. To make matters just a little worse, I watched my social media feeds fill up with updates about how literally everyone else seemed to have gotten in.

Most of the time, I think my life would make a pretty funny sitcom, because usually things are happy-go-lucky and hilarious. But this moment would fit right in with all the other awkwardly tough moments every good sitcom has once in a while to keep things interesting. Honestly, the worst part was that I'd convinced myself that I was a shoo-in to get in. I wasn't, apparently. And I'm not going to lie and say it didn't affect me, because it totally did. I cried for hours, although not immediately after finding out. When I first found out, I was irrationally angry. Then, later on when I had to explain to my parents that I didn't officially get in to yet another school, I started to get emotional. I cried in my mom's arms like a child, because it felt like a SUPER HUGE jab to my self-esteem and self-worth. That night was a definite low for me, because I couldn't stop myself from feeling like I wasn't good enough, or smart enough, or talented in any way.

Thankfully, with the help of my super supportive parents and friends who are the best at giving pep talks, and a much needed night of sleep, I woke up the next day not nearly as torn apart about everything. I still masochistically checked  my social media, but throughout the day it got easier and easier to get over myself and think more positively. I keep having to remind myself that a deferral is NOT a rejection, although it isn't easy. But, when I got my first letter of deferral, my friend wisely told me something that I'd like to pass on to you - deferral isn't rejection, it's redirection. It's taken me until now to fully remember that quote, which I think is a sign that now, as I'm hashing out all the details for the world to see, I may finally be realizing that things aren't as bad as they seem. It may feel like nothing in my life is going exactly as planned, but as many seniors keep repeating to themselves, I'm going to be fine. I'm going to end up wherever I'm supposed to be, and everything is going to be okay. Everything is going to just fine. (Eventually.)

Sometimes I Want to Hide For 30 Years

Lately, I've been feeling a lot of stress. Which isn't so unusual in theory, given that I'm an American high school junior, but it's starting to feel a little overwhelming. I am currently preparing to audition for the highest level guitar class offered at my school, which I don't think I'm prepared for, which makes me feel like I can't do anything right and am totally inadequate. That, on top of all my AP exams and standardized tests, extracurricular activities, and oh yeah, prom, which is this Saturday, are really starting to get to me. I haven't cleaned my room in weeks, and it's giving me anxiety but I don't have time to clean it thoroughly the way I want to. My outfits and my hair and makeup are going to shit little by little every day, which just makes me feel great (insert a heavy dose of sarcasm here). I just tried to read an essay that I wrote MYSELF in French class, and I couldn't even get through it all without stumbling over the words. And I wrote the damn thing, what the hell is wrong with me? For the rest of the school year, I have one thing or another, (or multiple) to worry about every single day, and I don't know if I can get through it all without a few nervous breakdowns. Tonight, my family and I were going out to get frozen yogurt after my guitar concert, and I started crying because I couldn't stop thinking about how impressive and talented everyone else was and how I didn't measure up at all. I think everyone thinks I'm going insane, and maybe I am, but I can't help it. There is so much on my plate right now, and I don't know how I'm going to begin to get through it.